One thing I don't need/Sorry a poem by Ntozake Shange

one thing i dont need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i dont know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry
i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important toyou’
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called
to say yr sorry
call somebody
else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/didnt meanta/& how cd i know abt that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/i’m gonna soothe mine
you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it
i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/low-down/triflin/& no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself

DAMAGED

Stained by a dirty past of unthinkable vices,
they sit nicely tucked at the back of our minds,
feeding a thought or action every once in a while.
Judged by that which in a momentary loss of judgment
overtaken and faced by it.
shaken to the bone by its impact once revealed,
the weakness that lay there.
Placed at your mercy, as perfection that we aspire you claim,
demanding from my less than perfect self.
Unashamed by your brutal accusation that weakens a growing spirit,
stunned by the lacking persistence,the ease by which you walk away,
pride in your step not wanting anything to do with what is damaged.
what was once beauty and bliss now ugly, amiss,
a tortured soul and still you fail to realize
we are all damaged somehow.

ENTANGLED

Caught in a web of hopeless expectations,

fears surrounding every move,

captured in the hapless spiral of disappointment, unreal possibilities,

believing that the end captures paradise in its entirety only to get there and the empty vastness a reflection of what’s left inside.

Calling out to the voices that led me there but an echo returning… 

mocking me, shrinking me, leaving despair.

Twisting…pulling…tugging….

trying to break free…the hold on me not budging… 

with each pull the shackles unyielding…

…is it where I belong? 

My fate? That I may never be? 

That life purposed me a prisoner of my own uncertainty?

I wished

I closed my eyes and wished…

I wished you were the perfect man…

And for a while my wish came true,

I wished that I would feel love in your touch…see it in your eyes,

I wished that my soul and yours walked side by side…

I wished that when you held me close I’d never worry…

I wished that you’d make me laugh and you’d never see me cry…

I wished for your comfort,

I wished that every moment you were next to me would last forever,

I wished that my connection and yours was a special unbroken bond…

I wished that when I woke up you’d be watching me waiting to make me smile,

I wished that you would hold my heart and guard it with your last breath,

I wished for a perfect man…my perfect man…

But alas, it was but wishful thinking…

The perfect man I wished…he wished me away…

:’-(

I STILL STAND

I sit here dazzled by the epitomies of life, anchoring onto the only light of hope that comes forth...
forgetting and getting deep out of the claws of strife but it keeps getting hard....its dark and am trying to flap my wings like a moth...relate
of what lies ahead i know not of, wide straight paths that lead to no particular direction, my heart..unruly disturbed by the conscientious facts of cascades that seem to hinder my constant struggle of steps focused on yonder....
Hit blow after blow of catastrophic setbacks that know not of mercy, seeking to tear down my will to fight, blurring my sight, holding my legs down...pinned dead on the floor...i cant seem to take flight
Yet i am expected to keep a fight,sink down...search myself for a little glimmer of strength, for a minute forget that i am a sinner with debt, raise my inner expectations with set exceptions that simmer my inner being with bits of strength each moment.....yet funny how they get swallowed whole by the rings of fire that consume burning up everything within, tearing down my terraces of a will to forge on....,
But yet the fortress that i lean on proves stronger, enhances my life with new moments, new beginnings, my ray of sunshine in my dark valley, in the dark alley...i walk not in fear of what the dark place holds for me, i stand tall in the hope of what my fortress protects me from...in the surety that it will keep me from being torn, in the certainty that with it very little goes wrong so i will stand firm among....my dark place because he my fortress has set the pace....so i just rest.

Heartbeats

A delicate heart, with every beat a surge of passion experienced…a tender love so pure, so magical…as if made in perfection not knowing darkness or any bad within,

 the pain once there appreciated…a preparation for the beauty now bestowing.

A Stillness so calm, so deep, the feeling brought on by his presence…causing an acceleration…an intensity so overwhelming…ecstasy!

An encounter entwining, a connection defining…defying every possible expectation…eliciting inexplicable reactions.

 So loved, accepting alterations defining its present state, not needing nor lacking just beating to a rhythm set by one alike on a path to fusion…where two become one.

 Impressions as such made to last forever, marveling at the possibilities of this union, excitable just by a glance, a touch intensifying… a beat made stronger every involving second…an eventuality of a place…the reality of a time…where your heart beats next to mine!

My Eternal High

If you ever need a pick me up...

kneel down, look up and He will lift you up to the sky...

feel so high like one of those drugs but no rehab, this addiction,

a  confirmation of a perfect connection; complete satisfaction, no repercussions,

this junkie's hooked, NO not extasy...

His love for me I see, unconditional...No buts, No wants, just coz...I am His and He is mine,

He forms my heart to be divine, transforms my mind, conforms my will with His in mind,

my soul reflected in His own, divine perfection I strive to own...

No retreat, I wont surrender to my old ways His way is the only way...

I wont stray, I'll stay forever in Him and Him in me,

this desire keeps getting higher, seeking Him with all my fire.

  


Why do you look furthe  r? know my father...you'll want no other.